31 ways to fail like a champ is just a guideline. I am totally sure that you will fail in other ways too. For best results follow these simple steps as early in life as you can. See you in the gutter.
# 1. Trust Others
Nope, others suck. Every others. Trust nobody. Not even yourself. We’re all just pathetic little monkeys looking out for ourselves.
2. Try New Things
A recipe for failure. Stick with what you know. Even if what you know is pathetic which I’m sure it is if you’re here reading this drivel.
3. Find Religion
NEVER DO THIS. JUST DON’T. These are voodoo people. They will steal your soul and at least 10% of your cash. (Gross, not net.)
4. Drink Alcohol In Moderation
Boring and not possible when you are enlightened.
5. Listen To Your Heart
Impossible and stupid. The heart is just an organ. If you are going to listen to an organ……make it your liver.
6. Follow Your Dreams
Really! Most of us can’t even remember our dreams and the ones that you can remember are complicated and weird. Don’t turn your life into a nightmare by following your dreams.
7. Recite Affirmations
They don’t work. Pretending is for children, grow up.
8. Surround Yourself With Go-Getter’s and Positive People
Too annoying. They never shut the fuck up. Hang out with dummies. It will make you feel better about yourself. Even if you are the biggest dummy, that’s okay, you are making others feel good about themselves.
9. Eat Organic
Con. Bullshit. Don’t get sucked in by these health food people. They know nothing and they’re ugly.
10. Be Enthusiastic
Enthusiastic people are very annoying. Don’t be one. A low maintenance slug makes a better companion. Be one of those.
11. Plan To Win
Why disappoint yourself? Lowering your expectations is the only way to be happy.
12. Get Up Early
Don’t be stupid. If you have a choice stay in bed where it’s safe and warm. The early worm gets eaten.
13. Buy Supplements Because You Read An Article
Stop it! These bastards are just trying to sell you the latest buzz word. The fad will disappear shortly, save your dough.
14. Read Self-Help Books and Expect Results While You Remain A Prick
Example; reading “The Secret” and then beating up a homeless guy. These books don’t work for anybody. They never did and they never will.
Follow these simple steps and you will surely fail like a champ. Good luck out there and maybe some day we can share a sandwich in a dumpster.
I know that the title said 31 ways, but I lied. There’s only 14 and that works for me. What part about #1 don’t you get? Trust nobody, we all lie and we all suck.
Have a great day, Don