Lists are very popular these days on the internet. It started with top ten lists, but it has exploded. All the boys want to have the biggest list. It is getting totally out of control. Below this boring paragraph of nonsense, you will find a list of things. It is a very big list. It is a very, very good list. Maybe even the best list. You will not be disappointed.
If it was up to me I wouldn’t bother you with my own list, but my analyst wants me to participate in life a little more. He also says that I am approaching stability, and that is very good news.
I have included a brief description for each thing on my list. I just feel that the extra effort will make my list very, very good. Maybe even the best list on the internet. It will also be good learning, and totally not a waste of time…… like some of those other stupid lists.
A List Of Things
Shoes – Used for dancing and throwing at bad people in the Middle East.
Cups – To hold beer and wine when all the glasses are dirty.
Couches – To hold potatoes. If you are making or designing a couch…… please measure twice to make sure that it is two inches wider than any doorway. This will aid in population control as many a mover will contemplate suicide as they struggle to get that fucking thing up the stairs and into the new place. For added fun…… make it one of those sofa bed things that weigh 400 pounds.
Art – Something you do to avoid getting a job. You can get away with a lot of shit if you tell people that you’re are an artist. Another grant? No problem, I’ll bring it over when I get home from my twelve hour shift at the shit factory. Have another Latte while you’re waiting, you fucking leech.
Electricity – An essential part of modern life that is monopolized and controlled by the government and rich corporations. Also used in multi-colored lighting accompanied by drugs and beer to make dancing acceptable.
Envelopes – A tasty paper enclosure used for licking practice and placing small thin cuts on your tongue to build character. As any good person knows, pain and suffering builds character. Become a great character by licking envelopes to induce paper cuts. Immediately flog yourself and eat some hot wings while watching a reality TV show. Your character will be built in no time. Whatever that means.
Nose – Ammo producer for booger fights with your brothers and close friends.
Vitamins and Supplements – Little pills in little bottles that might do a little, but cost a lot.
Movies – Unrealistically good looking people doing unrealistic things with outcomes that would never happen. Then, real people pay real money to see these fake people do fake shit. They eat real popcorn with fake butter and get real fat. Life is fucked.
*Side Note* Movies used to be shown by reel which should not be confused with real as used above. Thank You.
Penis – A tool used by young men to determine their destiny. It can also be an inexpensive toy that comes as a package with its own balls. For more on this topic please read “Why Do I Have Three Balls”.
Church – A place to meet crazy people on a Sunday morning. Bring your wallet. Summary: A fat guy reads some fairy tales, but not even real good ones. His tales are scary as shit and impossible to understand. Sometimes he yells at you for shit that happened in a garden…… a long, long, time ago. Never look the fat guy in the eye. It’s a trap. He’s a voodoo man. Put some money in the basket and run like hell. These people are absolutely bonkers.
Beer – A nectar that produces pleasure and great friendships when used in moderation. It can also produce great heartache and fights after about twelve of them. For me, beer is a delicious fuel that keeps me ticking and alive. Year after year and minute by minute, it is my friend. Beer and I have been through the good times and the bad times together. It taught me how to dance, to laugh, and to puke through my nose in a crowded bar. I love you beer. Never, ever leave me. You are my rock in a world of quicksand. Beer……you complete me. Barf.
Check out Trapped In A Beer: Episode – Getting Stoned
Politicians – Well dressed liars and bullies. They can’t help themselves, it’s the system. An honest guy in this profession gets eaten alive. Some of them start off with a noble cause, but the system is fucked and they all get turned eventually. We can only go about our business and hope that one of these psychopaths doesn’t blow it all up. They’re going to, we just don’t know when. Throw in a little Religion and watch the fireworks. That’s all we can do. Oh yeah, and drink alcohol until it just doesn’t matter.
Tables – Used as a dance platform at parties and family get together’s. Make sure to purchase matching lampshades for use as party hats.
Car – It used to be strictly for transportation but now it’s like a living room that moves. Music, phones and drive thru. Living in your car down by the river just ain’t as bad as it used to be. It can also be used as a safe room if you enjoy giving the finger or moon to a fellow human while you travel at warp speed away from harm.
Bus – A place to meet other losers. Insult to injury; you have to pay for the stinky pleasure.
Truck – A good rhyming word for fuck when writing poetry or songs. And while we’re on the subject of songs. If it wasn’t for the music part of songs they would be pretty stupid. We get it, the words rhyme, try writing something that actually means something. Any asshole can say words that rhyme. I did it in grade two. House, mouse……cat, hat……love, dove……orange,…… oh fuck off, you know what I mean.
There you have it, folks. A list. And it’s a damn good one too.
Have a great day, Don