I make the mistake of googling my name. Don’t do it. It’s depressing and confusing. Don Rogers has done so many things and I can hardly remember any of them. Am I missing my life? Sometimes when I drink I have blackouts, but who would have thought that a guy could be so productive. I thought that I just passed out in gutters, but I guess not. Maybe I’m like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type guy. Lazy as snot when I’m conscious, but when I black out my productivity goes through the roof. Yea, that must be it.
According to Google, Don Rogers is a lawyer, a dead football player, a living football player, a wacky graphic artist, a politician and a guy facing sexual assault charges in Florida. I’m pretty proud of myself for all of these accomplishments, except for the last one, of course, which I honestly don’t remember. Probably a frame job by a jealous ex. It doesn’t matter, I’ll settle out of court with the 500,000 dollars that google says Don Rogers won in a lottery. If I can remember where I put it.
Damn you alcohol, you make my life so fuzzy. I wish I could remember all this really cool stuff that I do.
I know that everything on the internet is true, but some of it doesn’t add up. Apparently I have died many times, most notably in 1977, 1984 and 1991. I have no recollection, but once again, if it’s on the google it must be true. Maybe I’m immortal, maybe I’m the second coming of Christ and I just don’t remember. Nothing surprises me anymore. It’s like I don’t even know myself.
There must be some mistake about this next one, though. Google says that Don Rogers is a pastor. Me, a man of the cloth, who would have guessed it? I wonder if my congregation is enjoying my sermons about sex, drugs and rock and roll. I wonder if I told them my joke about the Bible. “If you read the Bible backwards, it says, “put more money in the basket, dumbass.” I hope they liked it if I did. It doesn’t matter anyway, they can kiss my ass, I quit. I don’t want to do God’s work anymore.
I wasnt going to drink tonight but I’ve changed my mind. I think I’ll hit the booze hard until I blackout…… Who knows? Maybe in the morning I’ll be a doctor.
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