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Choosing The Right Disease For Your Retirement

Choosing the right disease for your retirement.

Choosing the right disease for your retirement is personal. It’s like everything else in life. We’re all different and need to go with our own flow. It’s an important choice and to get some of these diseases you will have to start your planning early. Just like a financial plan, the earlier you start laying the groundwork for your disease, the better chance you will have of getting it. A basic plan would be to eat shitty processed food and not get off the couch. Just doing these two simple things will open up all kinds of opportunity and choice when it comes to picking a disease for your retirement.

If you have been involved in life for any length of time…... you probably know that it sucks.

The life of the Salmon fish comes to mind.

Salmon spawning.

They swim downstream when they are young, full of energy and promise.

And then……they spend their whole lives dodging Japanese fishing nets and hungry sharks.

When they get old and tired…… it’s time to swim upstream against the current to lay eggs

and produce the next generation of fish losers.  

And finally……They die and rot.

For humans, life is the same shitty deal as the fish.

We win the sperm race and rest comfortably during the gestation period.

Actually, that’s the only good part, it’s all downhill after birth.

These are the stages of life.

  • Cry all the time and shit yourself.
  • Get picked on in school by the bigger boys.
  • Get ignored and laughed at by all the girls..
  • Graduate from high school.
  • Have a few beers.
  • Disappoint some women.
  • Endlessly work a shitty job.
  • Retire…… get a disease and die.

Get a disease and die.

Here Are The Top Five Diseases To Choose From

Heart Disease – This seems to be the number one choice. It only makes sense too. The heart never gets a chance to just sit back and relax. Tic, toc, tic, toc…… “enough already”, the heart finally says as it revolts. I’m surprised that it keeps going as long as it does. What with all the heartbreak in the teenage years and those damned bill collectors trying to stop it by scaring the shit out of you.

Cancer – If you are interested in getting cancer during retirement, congratulations, you have picked a good one. Plenty of choices here. Just pick a body part or an organ and you can get a cancer for it. Throat, mouth, skin, blood, pancreas, liver, kidney, breast, or prostate. Take your pick, no shortage of choices if you want cancer. Personally, I’m leaning towards prostate cancer. Judging by the size of everything else down there……my prostate is going to be huge. Oh Well.

Stroke – If you have a choice between a stroke and a heart attack, always choose the heart attack. Nobody needs a blood flow stoppage to the brain. Lot’s of damage and it doesn’t even kill you. You just end up with parts of your body that don’t work anymore. I feel bad for stroke victims, but sometimes they scare the shit out of me. The other night at Safeway, right at closing time, there was only two of us in there and they had dimmed the lights. This guy was creepily walking in the aisle behind me. He had this limp and a hunch in his back that made him look like quasimodo. I was a little scared at first but it was okay once I realized he was just a stroke guy.


I can’t make decisions for you, but my strong recommendation is to take the heart attack over the stroke. It’s your retirement though, do what you want.   

Alzheimer’s –  Alzheimer’s disease is a neurological disorder where the death of brain cells causes memory loss and cognitive decline. No thanks, not my first choice. I don’t mind killing brain cells, but there are better ways to do it. Drugs and alcohol come to mind. Keep your damned Alzheimer’s and dementia.

The thought of being a burden to my family is appealing, but I wouldn’t even know it, so who cares?  

Diabetes – There are two types of diabetes but you can only really choose one. Type 2 diabetes is pretty much a choice. Follow the two steps at the beginning of this post and you will be well on your way. It’s a lousy way to go, but whatever, it’s your choice.

The End

I know, what a shitty ending. Just like life.

Have a great day, Don

What’s your favorite disease. Leave suggestions and comments below.

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