• Home  / 
  • Humor Blog
  •  /  Drinking Beer Everyday – A Sad Tale About My Friend

Drinking Beer Everyday – A Sad Tale About My Friend

Drinking beer everyday.

I need some advice.  “My friend” is drinking beer everyday. He starts early in the morning and drinks while listening to loud devil music. I think he might need help. He also feels sad and lonely and lacks self esteem.

In addition to disappointing all the women in his relationships, my friend enjoys long walks in the park and cheeseburgers. As a child he was shy and lacked confidence. Growing up was normal, except for the beatings, malnutrition and a never ending lineup of drunken father figures. Sensing his vulnerability, teachers chose to ridicule him publicly about his clothing and hygiene.This made his time at school as intolerable and just as miserable as his homelife.

By the time he got to high school he was diagnosed as clinically depressed and because of his odd, sullen demeanor the larger boys would pick him up and drop him in piles of dog shit almost every day. This took it’s toll on my friend (and his clothing) and he sought comfort in his only friend, junk food. The piss poor diet caused his face and back to break out and cover his skin with gigantic whitehead and blackhead pimples. Others could barely look at him as he turned into a sideshow novelty wandering the high school halls like some hideous zombie. The inner turmoil and rage gathered steam and was ready to pop, much like the gigantic zits on his ugly face. How he kept from exploding, I’ll never know. High school was not a lot of fun for my friend.

A series of odd, dead end jobs in early adulthood did nothing to bolster “my friends” confidence. He was a loner with no future and he might have ended it all, had he not discovered beer and cigarettes. The years went by and he just couldn’t get it together. Shitty jobs were needed in order to get enough money for his addictions. No one tried to help and he had no one to turn to. There was no one to hear his inner and outer cries for help. Sometimes, alone at night, he would drunkenly weep until he passed out…….. his body covered in a slimy mixture of snot and tears.

The spiral continued until he found God and put his faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ.  Ha, ha, ha just kidding. I always hate when fuckers do the God thing and then everything is all forgotten. Life goes on happily ever after. Sorry for killing all those people, but now I found God and everything’s good….. Fuck Off!

Anyway……

The spiral continues to this day. I don’t think my friend is going to last much longer.

Okay, he’s gone now.

Damn, I just made all this stuff up about having a friend like that. I am a big fat liar and I don’t know why. And this story is not about me, if that’s what you were thinking.

I have a good job and a great relationship.

I do love listening to loud devil music and drinking beer in the morning. Big deal, sue me.

In reality, life was good growing up and I only had one father. School was great and I had a lot of friends. A couple of guys did throw me in a pile of dog shit once, but they didn’t mean to and they apologised after. I have never, ever disappointed any women in my life and as a matter of fact there is a long list of satisfied customers.

Sorry that I lied about all that stuff at the beginning, but it just felt good to write about an imaginary shitty life. I don’t know why. It just made me feel better for some reason.

Hey, maybe you people out there that actually have shitty lives should write about it. It might make you feel better inside and then maybe you could fucking smile once in a while. I’m getting sick and tired of looking at your sad ugly mugs every goddamn day.

Yours truly,

Don

 

Leave a Reply