Created in only six days and populated by the descendants of one couple in a garden……these are the facts on the universe.
Genesis: The beginning…… not the band.
Once upon a time in a land far, far away a young couple named Adam and Eve lived in a garden. A talking snake told them not to eat an apple. The couple loved apples and were not in the habit of taking advice from reptiles…… so they ate it anyway. The landlord got pissed and broke Adam’s rib in a fight. He gave them the boot without even refunding their damage deposit.
They wandered the universe for forty days and forty nights. It was raining the whole time. They met an old drunk guy mumbling something about a burning bush and murder. They felt threatened and walked away quickly.
Part 2: The New Testement
Adam and Eve eventually moved to a place called Africa to live with the lions and tigers and monkeys. This is where a lot of scientists get confused. Man did not evolve from monkeys, rather, we lived among them until we could get back on our feet and find a better place to live. Africa is a rather harsh place to live and is mostly populated these days by a race known as African, Africans. These are the descendants of Adam and Eve.
After forty more years of hard living and saving money. The couple set sail to the Americas where they would become African, American soul singing sensations. Their unique blend of sounds from both Africa and Eden struck a chord in this new land populated by mostly red and white people. There were some yellow people there too, but they mostly kept to themselves practicing karate and building railroads. Everything was going great until the Irish arrived with their rotten potatoes and kegs of beer.
The drinking put an end to all productivity.
Disillusioned, the people started to fight about sky fairies.
The owner of the universe decided to take a step back and let these pin heads fight it out for themselves. He sits up in the clouds watching and is flabbergasted by their stupidity. A couple thousand years have gone by, and these guys are still at it.
Enough with the history of the universe……now we tackle the science.
The universe is energy. Calories are the scientific name for energy. Calories are also food. Cheese is food. The moon is made of cheese and the cow jumped over the moon. I rest my case.
Calories come in three forms. They are protons, neutrons and electrons. They are the energy that swirls around the human.
The human is known scientifically as the moron. When the proton, neutron and electron swirl around the moron it produces what is called the ion. The ion causes a lot of trouble in the universe because it is unbalanced. The ion can be positive or negative depending on what is known as mood. Mood can be determined by asstrology which is the study of the back or bottom half of the moron.
This brings us to dark energy or black holes which are other universes. Our universe exists in a black hole. Scientists used to believe that Pluto was a black hole but have since settled on an understanding that Pluto is just a character in the universe of scientist Walt Disney.
Disney is best known for inventing the theory of relativity during a family get together. He also experimented with gravity when drinking alcohol.
Quantum physics is the study of small things like atoms which should not be confused with Adam from our earlier chapter in history.
If none of this makes sense, shut up, don’t ask questions and have faith.
I will be bringing these teachings to the attention of all school boards. I demand that they be taught in science class instead of that ridiculous theory of revolution.