Substitutes For Exercise That Make You Feel Good
Okay, we get it, exercise makes you feel good. Blah, blah, blah, sometimes you just don’t feel like doing it. Here are some substitutes for exercise that will make you feel good too. These five suggestions are from the forthcoming exercise manual called The Don Rogers Method. Stay tuned for that, but in the meantime. Do these things.
Beer has been around longer than God.
It’s actually been rumored that Moses was on the beer during that whole burning bush, ten commandment thing. I’m thinking that he was on something a little stronger in order to hallucinate a doozy like that, but whatever. At least everybody knows not to kill now. If it wasn’t for those commandments, people would be running around, shooting and blowing each other up for no reason. Oh, wait a second, they are. Nevermind.
I shouldn’t have to explain myself here. LSD is a tiny little microdot of wonderful. There is no God, but if there was, acid would bring you closer to him. Feel good and solve the world’s problems in thirty seconds. Sounds like a winning combination to me. The only problem with acid is that you never remember just how you solved the world’s problems when you wake up.
You think carbs give you energy? Try a snort of cocaine and see what happens. You feel good, you have energy and it’s great for losing weight. Trust me, once you try coke you’ll never go back to push-ups and sit-ups to feel good. Over time, you will find yourself wanting more and more of the white stuff. Some might call it addiction. I prefer the term, positive social routine. Sure, the old bank account will take a beating, but this blog is about feeling good, not finance.
Sit in a quiet place and breathe. The idea and goal of meditation is to just…… be. Empty your mind (stupid people have the edge here) and just breathe. In and out, in and out. Put your focus and concentration on the third eye. Mine is located between my butt cheeks, yours is probably on your forehead in between the two eyes that actually work. I guess some people have the ability to quiet their mind and achieve a feeling of calm and inner peace. Here’s what goes on in my brain when I meditate.
“Did I pay the phone bill? Did I turn the stove off? Why can’t you kiss hookers? What are nooks and crannies? Is my dick getting smaller? Is god real? Who died and left you boss? Oh shit, is today my anniversary? Do people like me? How does a car work? Did Smitty the rope climber ever make it to the top? Oh no, is that a zit or cancer? Did I feed the dog? I don’t have a dog. If I drew a picture of Muhammad that was flattering, would they still fucking kill me? Did I ever really know Bill Cosby? Is everybody else just a robot? Focus, Don. Just Breathe. Can’t. Fuck! I think I’d be popular in prison. On the bar, chew, supper hang. Nonsense. Why can’t you just…… be, Don. Fuck you, I’m trying. What if they all discover that I’m a fraud and a loser? Too late. Has it been twenty minutes yet? My back is itchy. My arms are short. I hate work. I’ll bet Lemmy comes back before Jesus. The person that invented blowjobs should get a raise. If 12 beers makes you feel good, shouldn’t 24 make you feel great. It doesn’t make sense. Oh well. I wonder how many other people drink in the morning? Meditation sucks! I’m done.
Eat Junk Food
My fifth activity to make you feel good as a substitute for exercise is to eat a whole boatload of junk food. Think of it as exercise for your insides. You know what they say, “use it or lose it.” Eating a whole wack of greasy, salty and sugary foods will get those internal organs all fired up and working overtime. All you have to do is keep eating and let nature take it’s course. Let your fucking organs and immune system exercise for a change. You own them, let them earn their keep.
Thanks for your time. This has been another inspirational blog provided free of charge from I Am Don Rogers.
Giving to others, it’s just what I do.
Amen, Namaste and Allahu Akbar to all. May the Religions of the world continue to live in peace and harmony. Just kidding, Religion sucks balls.