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Reasons Not To Join The Army

soldiers at war

I’m so glad that I never joined the army. There are a lot of good reasons not to join the army, but for me, too much yelling is the main one. Oh boy, they just love to yell at you for anything.  They yell things like “ROGERS, YOUR BED MAKING ABILITY IS A DISGRACE TO THIS MAN’S ARMY…..NOW GET OUT THERE AND KILL PEOPLE.” I don’t know about you guys but when somebody yells at me, I get all nervous and uptight.

I can’t kill when I’m nervous!soldiers at war

Before I kill, I need to be calm, in the zone, if you know what I mean. Before I kill, I need some meditation and a nice warm bath. The yelling just doesn’t do it for me.

You know what else they do in the army? They come right into your bedroom to wake you up in the morning…….and they bring a fucking trumpet player. It’s crazy, “ (loud trumpet) DO DA LI DOOT DA DOO…… NOW, GET UP YOU MAGGOTS…… IT’S TIME TO KILL.” Oh boy, not for me. I am so glad I never joined the army.

trumpet player

Can you imagine if your boss was allowed to come into your bedroom with a trumpet player to wake you up every morning. “DO DA LI DOOT DA DOO…… ROGERS GET UP YOU LAZY BASTARD, I NEED THAT JOHNSON REPORT ON MY DESK BY 9 AM, AND GET THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM.”

No thanks, I don’t want the boss in my bedroom. That would be awful.

Boot camp sounds like a lot of fun though. Eight weeks of free haircuts and the joy of meeting new people like the drill sergeant. His job is to yell and pound the crap out of you until you can’t even think for yourself. Not for me thanks, I’m already married. Been there done that.

army soldiers

Joining the army seems like a pretty good way to get an education without paying for it yourself. But then again, what if there’s a war? You can die in a war, man. I sure don’t want friends and family sitting around chatting about me in the past tense, no thank you. I’m quite happy being alive. I don’t need any haters shooting and bombing directly at old Donny Boy. Nobody needs an education that badly. Better to have a shitty job and all your limbs, I like to say.

Did you know that People’s Republic Of China has the largest army with manpower of over 2.28 million soldiers? The United States has the second largest at over 1.4 million and India is third with about 1.3 million. The top ten countries have a combined number of soldiers that total over 10 million……. WOW!! Bombs and guns are good business. Now I know where to put my money.

At least we have a choice. In over 25 countries in the world there is mandatory military service. It makes sense in countries like Israel. If I was surrounded by countries wanting to blow me off the map I just might prepare an army too. Countries like Iran are almost always at war and so it makes sense for them, but Switzerland, come on, why do they need an army? They have bankers to do their dirty work. They didn’t even show up for the big wars and now they need an army, whatever!


There sure are a lot of soldiers in the world and I’m sure glad it ain’t me.bomb exploding

When I die, I want to go out with a bang, just not the bomb kind.


Please leave comments or suggestions below.

Thanks, Don




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