The Fastest Sperm & 9 Months In The Womb is a true story. It is about hopes and dreams that will never come true. Please do not read this if you are still young enough to have them. Leave us now and enjoy your day. It will be soon enough that your heart and soul will be ripped from your body, piece by piece, and flushed into the vortex of nothingness.
It used to be so peaceful before I was born. Being a sperm was amazing. It was warm everyday, I had about 30 million friends. A lot of guys peak in high school, I peaked as a sperm. It was actually the last race that I ever won. If you’re going to win a race, this is a good one to win. Being the fastest sperm is my legacy and I’m okay with that.
And then……9 months in the womb with no job, no bills, and nothing to do but dream and relax. Ah, the good old days.
Life started to suck quickly after that though. Some fat guy in a smock yanked me hard out of my peace and tranquility. Before I knew what was going on, this guy was smacking my ass until I cried.
And that’s not all.
The room was full of looky Lous and hot nurses……and I was fucking naked! I’m pretty sure that they were all staring at my rod, which of course, wasn’t fully developed yet,on account of the fact that I was just a goddam baby.
Life, what a shit way to start. I wish it got better, but no, still shitty after all these years.
I’m not circumcised and that’s because I learned to speak very early. No “mama, dada” first words for me. It was “hey buddy,you better keep those clippers away from my dick.” That’s a true story, ask anybody.
Grade school was fun though.
Thank you mom for going that extra mile and hand making me all those colorful and ill fitting clothes. I walk with a limp to this day. Nothing wrong with my legs, just a habit I developed trying to hide the short side of my pants. All the other kids had to settle for cool, brand name clothes that fit.
I hardly got punched out at all.
And while we’re at it, thanks dad for telling me that a jock was a nose guard. That went over well in the dressing room and my popularity skyrocketed. Luckily, I was a pretty good fighter.
Here’s how the fights went down.
Using my nose, throat and chin I would pound my opponents knuckles mercilessly. This went on for what seemed like an eternity.
To finish him off I would smash his knee…… really, really hard with my balls.
Yup, great memories for sure.
For a brief moment in time I thought that my luck might be changing.
In grade five I won a spelling contest, oh yeah. Look out world, old Donny boy has arrived.
First prize turned out to be an all expenses paid camping trip……with Father Kelly.
Fuck! I hate spelling.
Here’s the rest of my life in a nutshell.
I finished high school, got a shitty job, had a few beers and disappointed some women.
I can hardly wait to retire, get some form of cancer and die alone.
But I hope you guys have a great day, Don
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