I got lost the other day and ended up in a health food store. Is it just me or do the health food people look really sick? My uncle Bob’s corpse had more color in the face than these people. Thin, pale and sickly is the way that I would describe the health food people. Overly friendly too! It’s like they know that they are going to die soon and they’re trying to get brownie points from their God by being nice. It’s really annoying.
I walked around for a few minutes trying to figure out what this health food store reminded me of. There was a certain feeling and smell that creeped me out. It hit me after a couple of minutes. The place reminded me of a hospital. You don’t really want to touch anything or even be there. You want to be respectful but the whole time in there you are planning an escape strategy. Get me the hell out of here was the theme going on in my head.
It’s like a different world in the health food store. You need to learn a whole new language just to function in there. Buckhorn, Devil’s Claw, Fenugreek, Gymnema Sylvestre, Ginseng, Prickly Pear Cactus, just to name a few of their offerings. It’s like a voodoo medicine cabinet. I’m pretty sure I saw the three witches from Macbeth back in the deli kitchen making quinoa and cumin salad.
They have a whole section just for mood enhancers. St. John’s wort, SAMe, Valerian Root, Lavender, Omega 3 fatty acid pills, Kava kava, 5-HTP and the list goes on. Have these people never heard of purple microdots? Nothing like a good hit of acid to change your mood. Give LSD a try people, it’s gluten free and pretty cheap too. Last time I checked anyway.
The health food store is a pretty strange place . It can’t be real. The whole time I was in there it felt like I was on candid camera or the victim of some elaborate prank. It kind of reminded me of my life. One big gigantic bullshit prank perpetrated by aliens to make me look like an asshole.
More about my uncle Bob.
His corpse was bad, man. They didn’t find him for about a week after he died. His, “in the coffin corpse” was a complete rebuild. Nobody needs to see that. Cremation is the route to go in my books. Smoked and scattered is my destiny. Remember me as a living being. Nobody needs to see dead old Donny boy’s wax like corpse, all stiff, stuffed and pretending to smile. No way!!
If you really need to look at pale, dead stiffs, take a trip to your local health food store.