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The Hot Dog Deserves A Little More Respect

hot dog

If I was a hot dog I would be pretty pissed off. After all these years of service to the American people I think that the hot dog deserves a little more respect.  Everybody is bad mouthing the dog these days. “ Unhealthy, full of fat, and loaded with sodium,” they say.  Well, I say, “if you don’t like the dog, then you just don’t like America.” Turning your back on an old friend when the going gets tough.  Shame on you “hot dog bashers.”  Maybe you should just get it over with and move to Russia to eat cabbage with the communists.

Some Hot Dog History:

The cheap and delicious hot dog has been enjoyed by millions of Americans since becoming  popular in the early 1900’s.  

Sure, it was the Germans who invented the actual sausage, but so what, it was an American who slapped it on a bun and that’s what counts.  

The Germans invented the frankfurter in the fourteenth century, they had a 600 year head start but still couldn’t figure out the bun thing………..  

…….. And so, with no guilt, we will claim the hot dog as American.  

The hot dog has been with us through thick and thin.  Accompanied by mustard, relish, onion, home runs, goals and touchdowns it makes all sporting events memorable.  Hot dogs go with sport, like sleeping goes with Opera.  It just doesn’t seem possible to have one without the other, but that’s not my point.

As you probably know, the Hot Dog and other delicious mystery meats have been under attack by do-gooders who want to impose their diet of figs and quinoa on to each and every one of us.  I won’t stand for it and I don’t think that hot dogs should either.

If I was a Hot Dog I would rally the troops and make a stand.

The same way our fathers and their fathers made a stand for freedom against fascism and communism.  We will mystery meatgather our mystery meat allies like Spam, Mock Chicken Loaf, Baloney and the Slim Jim Pepperoni Stick.  We will set aside our differences and unite with the All Beef Kosher Weiners and even the Polish Sausage.  United and solidified we will block the arteries of our enemies escape.

Yes, some of us may end up butchered and battered, but together we will fight and put an end to the evil and growing powers of the Mighty Fig and that great imposter known as Tofurkey.

As Oscar Mayer once said Ask not what the hot dog can do for you, ask what you can do for the Hot Dog.”


Spam, Klik and Kam. Sausage, Salisbury steak, Bologna, mock chicken loaf and fast food burger patties, I beg of you, join the delicious hot dog.  

Rise up and take back the plate.  

Let us no longer live in fear and hiding at the mercy of fresh fruit, quinoa, fibre, figs, tofurkey and for dessert, Mockolate. (are you kidding me)  

America was built on filler, by-products and sodium nitrite.  The very fibre of our North American Culture was built on mystery meat.  Stop the madness now.

Ladies and gentlemen,

When the smoke of battle clears, may we not be surrounded by broccoli munching harp players.


God Bless America and God Bless Coney Island.

Leave your ideas and comments below.  Thanks, Don

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