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Tired Of Shoplifting – I Need A New Hobby

shoplifting

I need a new hobby.  I am so bored that I’ve taken up shoplifting and the thing is, I’m getting really good at it.

shoplifter

I load my pockets with merchandise and while I am at the checkout I grab one of those 5 hour energy drinks, I chug it and run like hell.  Sometimes the assistant manager will give chase, but it’s been my experience that they give up after about 4 hours.  That’s why they are assistants and not real managers.  Quitters and slackers, each and every one of them.  When they give up I taunt them.  I point to my balls and say something like “Manage These, Loser,”  and then I take off again

It’s fun but I’m running out of stores.

Like I said before, I need a new hobby.  

Shoplifting Facts:

Cheese is the number 1 shoplifted food item in the world.

cutting the cheese

Why not steal cheese?  It’s tasty and great for party snacks.  Get some friends together and make a night of it. Bring the spoils back to your hideout and split the profits.  This is known in gangster circles as “ Cutting The Cheese.”   An unnamed gangster source described the cutting of the cheese as a “necessary evil” if your gang deals in fermented milk products.    “Sometimes the air is so thick and rank, you could cut it with a knife,” said the source.  It makes sense. Anytime big men spend time together “cutting the cheese,” an eye watering outcome is predictable.

 

Shoplifting is also known as the five finger discount, boosting or lifting.  Retail merchants refer to the theft of goods as shrinkage.  I personally never use that word as it brings back awful memories of my strip show debut after a long day of swimming.  The laughter and hurtful comments of an unforgiving crowd still ring loudly in my ears.  But enough about me.

 

According to the 2012 National Retail Security Survey, the cost of shoplifting to retailers is approximately fourteen billion dollars every year.  Employee theft contributes to one half of all retail losses.  Wow!

 

Shoplifters come in all denominations, male and female, rich, poor and of course some celebrities like Winona Ryder and Lindsay Lohan.  It is estimated that about 1 in 11 Americans shoplift.  It only makes sense that retailers incorporate their losses into the price of goods. That means that shoplifting costs us all.

 

The only way to combat these higher prices and make it work for you is to become a shoplifter. It’s kind of like when you go out with a group of friends to a restaurant and the bill gets split evenly.  What you want to do is order the most expensive items.  Not everybody is smart enough to do that and the cost gets split evenly.  You win!!

dining out with friends

Dining out with friends.

 

Not everybody shoplifts but everybody pays the higher prices.  If you are one of the shoplifters, you win!!

 

Remember to teach your children about shoplifting.  Lead by example and turn your kids into winners and not whiners.

 

Thank You, Don

 

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