I miss being young. Remember the good old days, when life was fun? Now it’s all about the mortgage, the wives and the shitty jobs. Remember going to restaurants, dropping a hit of acid and staring at the salad bar for hours? Man, those were the days.
In reality, being mesmerized by the salad bar only lasted for about eighty seconds but with a good purple microdot you can get a whole day’s worth of thinking in.
For starters, vegans are assholes and savages. What normal person would take pride in the slaughter and consumption of so many harmless, colorful and vibrant life forms? It makes me cry to this day when I think about all those innocent chick peas, celery sticks and broccoli florets being poked, prodded and tossed carelessly on a bed of harmless greens. Shame on you vegans, shame on you.
Are vegetables really friends? They look so calm and peaceful in their individual ceramic containers. Is it just for show? When the survivors get put away in the fridge at the end of the business day. Do they even talk to each other?
Do the cauliflower stems accept the colored peppers as equals or do they still segregate them to the back of the shelf. Will we ever know? Maybe. The FBI infiltrated the Hells Angels. Is it possible to put a carrot undercover to better see what goes on in veggie land? In the days of my youth and acid taking, yes, anything was possible.
The salad bar is a multicultural society that is way ahead of it’s time. Each vegetable remains unique in it’s own container, while at the same time, being a contributor to the workings and aesthetics of the larger picture.
Sure, maybe they don’t get along in private, but they put on a good show for the consuming public. The religions of today could take a page or two out of the salad bar handbook. You don’t see heads of lettuce being chopped off by radishes or red onions, do you? Despite the fact that they are grown in different regions and each vegetable possesses its own individual qualities and beliefs. They still get along, all day, every day. Even in the face of adversity. You know, like the possibility of being brutally butchered and eaten by vegans and all.
Dropping acid and staring at helpless vegetables trapped in ice sure makes you think. What if, during the evolutionary process, the tomato got thumbs instead of us? The world would sure be different. The tomato would have gained the ability to develop weapons on account of its thumbs. They would be slaughtering us and making human sauce for their pasta. It’s a scary thought alright. What if a tomato put on a shitty performance, would other tomatoes chuck people at it?
We should all be thankful for our thumbs, especially Facebook users. Without the Like button our self esteem would sink even lower than it is now, causing many of us to kill ourselves without a second thought.
Thank you thumbs and thank you Facebook. Without thumbs and social media our lives would be as meaningless as a chunk of Kale trapped in that space between a vegan’s front teeth.
- Thumbs are good.
- Vegans are bad.
If you have added, dropping acid and staring at a salad bar, to your bucket list. Please note that a trip to the salad bar can go horribly wrong. On one occasion I swear to God that I was surrounded by talking red cabbage and garlic croutons. They forced me to strip naked and prance around the restaurant singing “ You are so beautiful,” by Joe Cocker. Needless to say, that blind date was a nightmare.
Here is a short video inspired by a true story.Feel free to use it when educating your children about how to treat others.
Feel free to leave your flashbacks in the comments section. Don